


Heavy Heart To Carry

by sparkinside (boomersoonerash)



Series: Just A Boy [2]
Category: Everybody Else (Band), Hanson (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Boys Kissing, Brother/Brother Incest, California, Cheating, Closeted Character, Fan Soundtracks, Fanmix, Gay Sex, Incest, M/M, Male Slash, Marijuana, Older Man/Younger Man, Oral Sex, Sibling Incest, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-08 16:26:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1948065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carrick can pin-point the exact moment his life fell apart. The day he ended things with Zac.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a fictional story. None of this story is true and I am in no way associated with Hanson and Everybody Else. I do own any original characters. Also, please do not translate this unless you ask me for permission first. Thanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: I still gave a fuck about Zac.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is he doing? It was a question I wished I never asked because it meant I still cared. I still gave a fuck about Zac.

When the phone went silent, after I had asked Taylor that question, I was half scared of what his brain was coming up with to say. When Taylor went silent before answering anything, it was never a good thing.

"He's an emotional wreck," Taylor said finally, breaking the silence that had built between us over the wires. Whether he knew it or not, those words had sunk my already broken heart.

"I never meant to make him that way," I sighed as I chewed on my bottom lip. Chewing on my lip was a habit I had when I was nervous. Why the fuck was I nervous? It wasn't like Taylor could see me. It wasn't like Zac could see me either.

Hearing Taylor hesitate, I frowned. Taylor was acting like I had destroyed Zac. Fuck, maybe I had. Emotional wreck didn't sound too promising. No, in fact it sounded worse than I had meant by ending things.

"I know you didn't, Carrick," Taylor said, though his tone came off unsure. He was unsure if I had meant what I said. He was doubting that I had never meant to hurt Zac. Of course he would doubt it, he had always been close to Zac. He would take Zac's side over mine.

Chewing on my lip harder before answering him back, I sat down on my bed and reached for the joint that laid on my dresser. I needed an escape right about now.

Lighting the joint, I took a few puffs before answering Taylor, "You don't sound so sure," I said, deciding to confront him on the doubt I had heard in his voice. I wasn't looking for a fight, I just wanted him to admit that I was right and he doubted me.

"What am I supposed to believe?" Taylor asked, his voice coming off more like a whine. God I really hated when he got whiny. "You ended things out of nowhere."

Taking a few more puffs of the joint, I roll my eyes at his words. I am kind of glad he nor Zac can see me right now. They both hate when anyone rolls their eyes at them. "It may have have been out of nowhere, but it doesn't mean I was trying to hurt him. I just needed to keep myself from getting hurt," I muttered, trying to defend my actions. I knew it was useless but I needed to do it anyway.

When Taylor laughed after I spoke, I felt like reaching through the phone and punching his pretty boy face. He sure knew how to make someone feel so small sometimes.

"Honestly, Carrick, you knew what you were getting into the first time you hooked up with Zac," Taylor muttered, his voice still whiny. It made my urge of wanting to punch him even stronger. "You knew he was just using you as his fallback every time Kate decided to be a bitch."

Finishing the joint, I half wished I had another because that one wasn't working enough to make me feel happy and numb.

"I may have known what I was getting into, but that doesn't mean I could stop myself from falling in love with him," I blurted out before really thinking. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them. I hadn't told anyone that I was in love with Zac, not even Zac knew I was in love with him.

"You love him?" Taylor asked, his voice no longer whiny. No, it was a mixture of shock and maybe just a bit of amusement. I could understand the shock, but not the amusement.

Looking down at the sheets on my bed, it was now my turn to hesitate before answering him. I had already said it and I didn't see the point in denying his question.

"Yes," I whispered so faint that I wasn't even sure he would hear me. It was sad, but I kind of hoped he wouldn't. Even if I didn't want to deny the question, I still didn't like the idea of him knowing something so huge.

"Wow," he said and I knew from his voice he was still in shock by my admission. Maybe his shock would be enough to make him keep his big mouth shut.

"Yeah wow," I nodded and knew I was stupid for doing so. "J..just promise me you won't tell Zac," I pleaded. I knew I probably sounded like some little kid begging their parent not to punish them. To be honest it was almost how I felt.

"I'm not gonna tell Zac," Taylor said in his best I'm being honest voice. It wasn't a voice he used often, but I knew when he used that voice I could trust him.

"Good," I muttered before moving the phone away from my ear and hitting end. I didn't have anything else I wanted to say to him right now.

Throwing the phone on the dresser, I stood up from the bed and left the room. I needed to roll another joint. I needed to get over the fact that Taylor had said Zac was an emotional wreck and I needed to get over the fact that I was still in love with him even after ending things.

Leaving my room, I headed downstairs and stopped in my tracks when I saw Austin there. His hands were full of suitcases and I tried to remember if I had forgotten some trip we had planned. I came to the conclusion I hadn't forgotten anything though.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked as I studied him again with my blue eyes. He smiled playfully and I had a feeling he had something up his sleeve, something I probably wouldn't like, but that I would go through with anyway because I was just that dumb and naive at times.

Austin laughed some after my question to him. It was a laugh that also meant he had something up his sleeve. I kind of hated knowing him so well.

"I figured we'd have a surprise road trip," he mused and I nearly felt like saying no. Nearly.

Nodding my head yes was my only response and it was enough for him. Before I could protest or change my mind, he was pulling me out the door. I hadn't even packed yet and he was already wanting to get a start on this road trip.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: I was stuck walking down some Tulsa sidewalk.

Waking up in a hotel bed two days later, I stretched some as I opened my eyes slowly, My limbs ached and all I really wanted to do was to go back to sleep but I couldn't. I had a snoring Austin beside me. It turned out our surprise road trip had led us to some cheap roach motel in Tulsa.

If I had known we were coming here I really would have told him no. This was the last place on the earth that I wanted to be. Heck being in a hospital, and I hated hospitals, would be better than being here in Tulsa.

Luckily since we had just arrived last night I had yet to run into anyone named Zac Hanson, but knowing Austin as well as I thought him, I was sure he would find a way to go see those damned Hanson brothers. He may not have admitted it much but I was sure he liked them just as much as I did. Though in a way maybe not as much as I liked or well erm loved Zac.

Shaking my head when I realized I wasn't even making much sense to myself, I got out of the bed slowly. I really didn't want to wake Austin up. He could be a pain to deal with if woken up. Walking over to a bag that was by the wall I unzipped it. As it turned out I didn't have to worry about packing my clothes, Austin had done that for me with what little clothes I had left at his house from numerous times I had stayed over.

Grabbing a striped shirt and a pair of skinny jeans I headed into the bathroom to shower. I wasn't a fan of roach motel bathrooms but then again I really wasn't a fan of stinking either. Honestly I didn't see how some men, mainly Zac could go a few days without showering.

Once I had undressed and had the water at the temperature I preferred, usually too hot for most people, I stepped in a semi moan escaping my mouth. A hot shower was what I needed after sleeping in that uncomfortable bed. It was also what I needed to help me face my worries of more than likely seeing Zac again.

I was wrong though if I thought the shower would help me forget Zac or even face my worries. Just the thought of seeing him, while knowing that Taylor had said he was an emotional wreck was enough to make me feel sick and have my stomach twisting in knots. I didn't no I couldn't see him like that. It would kill me.

"Fuck," I muttered harshly as I felt the water get cold. I hadn't even realized I had been in there long enough for the water to get cold. I hadn't even washed off yet. I had been too wrapped up in my thoughts. Shivering some as the water got colder I washed off quickly and then got out and dressed.

Once I was dressed I left the bathroom and stopped in my tracks when I saw Austin now awake and dressed. I swear I truly hadn't realized I had been in the bathroom that long.

Seeing Austin quickly moving his cell phone away from his ear I raised an eyebrow, "Who were you talking too?" I asked as I walked over to the bed and sat down beside him.

"Isaac," Austin smirked as he looked at me. I should have known he was calling one of the Hanson brothers. No, correction, I should have known he was calling Isaac. I was certain Austin had a small crush on Isaac. I was also just as certain that Isaac was as straight as they came.

"I just asked if we could come by the office and see them," Austin answered and I watched his eyes get all dreamy and wishy looking. Yes, he did indeed have a crush on Isaac. I knew that look well. It was the way Zac had looked at me numerous time and it was the way I had looked at him from time to time, though not nearly as often as he did.

Chewing my lip I fell silent. I was afraid to ask what if Isaac had agreed. I didn't want to know if I would be having to do one of the hardest things of my life.

"What did he say?" I asked finally getting the strength to find out my fate. I figured I would have to eventually or just be drug along by Austin if the answer had been a yes.

Looking at Austin smile I could tell the answer before he even told me himself.

"He said yes," Austin responded and confirmed what I already knew. "Now get up off your ass so we can go," he said as he stood up and headed for the door. He was going much faster than I could ever go but then again he had a reason to go faster. He wanted to see Isaac.

Standing from the bed I followed behind him at a pace that was slow. It was like I was marching to my own death as I walked to the car and in a way I felt like I was marching to my own death. I would die by seeing zac, though really dying by Zac would be good, just not good that it would be because he was upset.

Getting in the car once I reached it, I buckled up and looked out the window as Austin started the car and drove. He knew the way to the office like the back of his hand, after all every time I would come here to be Zac's fallback fuck when Kate was being a bitch I would bring Austin with me. That was how he had gotten so close to Isaac.

Before I knew it Austin was parking in front of the office and I was feeling that sick feeling again. Unbuckling my seat belt I noted that my hands were shaking.

"I can't do this," I said out loud. I hadn't meant to say that out loud and my words made Austin close his door which he had already opened.

"Care," he said as he turned to look at me. I couldn't face his stare so I just stared ahead at the building that would be where I died at. "You can't be scared to go in there just because Zac is in there," he said his voice sounding like he knew in advance that things would be okay.

"But Tay said he was an emotional wreck," I stated as I still avoided Austin's stare. I could be a coward at times and this was one of those times.

"And Taylor is a known liar," Austin muttered before he opened the car door again. Seeing him walk out of the car from the corner of my eye I took a deep breath and got out as well.

Walking behind Austin again I went into the office. Being greeted by Isaac standing there as if he was waiting on us I rolled my eyes as he pulled Austin away from me. I was hoping to stay as close to Austin as possible. At least then maybe I would be okay.

Sticking my hands in the pockets of my jeans I began the slow walk down the familiar hallway that lead to the office the boys shared. I could feel myself getting dizzy and my heart starting to race. I wasn't prepared for this, I really truly wasn't prepared.

"Come on Care, you can do this," I whispered to myself once I reached the closed door that held their office. Slowly reaching out I put my hand on the knob and turned it. When the door opened though all I could do was freeze at the sight in front of me. I did want to die but for entirely different reasons than before.

"What the hell," I heard myself finally say and after the words were out of my mouth I watched as Taylor who had been on the floor servicing Zac pulled away. He had a deer in the headlights look. They had obviously not planned on getting caught though in my opinion I thought they should have locked the door if they hadn't wanted that.

Swallowing I mustered my pride as I looked at Zac. His face resembled Taylor's as well, to an extent, besides the deer in the headlights look I was swear I saw confusion and a tad bit of hurt, "Fuck," I muttered as I looked away from him and headed down the hallway and soon out of the office. I couldn't get back in the car since Austin had the keys so I was stuck walking down some Tulsa sidewalk.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: I was scared to turn around, scared to face whoever it was that had touched me.

Continuing my walk down the Tulsa sidewalk I wasn't even aware that I had been followed out of the studio until I felt the hand on my arm to stop me in my steps. I was scared to turn around, scared to face whoever it was that had touched me. I really didn't want to see anyone right now to be honest.

Taking a deep breath I turned around and kept my face straight as I came face to face with Zac. The last person on the list of people that I didn't want to see. Crossing my arms I looked at him refusing to talk first. Hell, I wasn't sure I had any words to say right now anyway, at least not until he said something.

"I," Zac sighed and I watched as he looked down and away from me. It was like he was at a loss for words. "I...I want to say what you walked in on wasn't what it looked like but it was."

Nodding at his words I kept my arms crossed and didn’t look away from him even though he is looking away from me. I wished I could look away from him because everytime I look him over all I can see is Taylor's mouth around his dick.

"Why Taylor?" I heard myself asking. I was sure my voice cracked when I spoke. I hated it because it meant I was showing Zac just how weak I was, that I cared who gave him head. That I still cared for him when I had ended things between us.

Seeing Zac look up finally, I frowned when I saw tears in his eyes. This isn't what I wanted to see from him. Not now when my heart was breaking for completely different reasons than it had been before I saw him with Taylor.

"I needed someone Carrot cake," Zac muttered using his damn nickname for me. I hated that nickname and he only used it after that one experience we had with carrot cake. "You left me and he was there," Zac said trying to defend his actions to me. "He came over when I was listening to that darn mix tape. I told him not too but he did and I was high and crying and one thing lead to another," Zac confessed and then looked away from me again.

Sighing I looked away from him as well. I wasn't sure what to do with his confession. Was I supposed to apologize? Was I supposed to congratulate him? Could I tell him I loved him now? Shaking my head no at the last question I ran a hand through my hair. It was short now and lately I had really been contemplating letting it grow out.

"Is that supposed to make things okay?" I asked as I found the strength to look at him again. He still wasn’t looking at me and I was slightly glad for that. "That it makes it okay for you to get head from your brother?" I asked knowing I shouldn't even care what he does anymore. He isn't mine to care about anymore. Maybe he was never mine.

Zac looked at me again and I swallowed hard when I saw that he was crying more now, "Of course it isn't okay Carrot cake," he said as he shook his head and I watched as some of his hair moved to his eyes. I was tempted to reach up and move it. "It's sick and disgusting but it doesn't keep me from liking it and it numbs me."

Raising my eyebrow at his last comment I uncrossed my arms and gave into my temptation to move the hair from his eyes, "Numbs you from what?" I asked as I slowly let my hand fall down to his cheek after moving his hair. I am mentally kicking myself in the ass right now. I should not even be touching him right now. I'm just a sucker for him when he is sad.

"The hurt of losing you," Zac confesses and I close my eyes briefly, swallowing a lump that had formed in my throat. "Pathetic I know," he shrugs and moves away from the touch of my hand.

I laughed bitterly when he said it was pathetic because I do find it kind of pathetic, "Yeah it really is," I nodded agreeing with his words. "I...I guess this is congratulations to you for trying to move on," I said as I chewed on my lip. "Does Alex know his boyfriend is fucking around on him with another guy?" I asked as my voice came out a little more bitter than I mean it too but it's time I stopped playing Mr. Nice Guy.

When Zac shook his head no to my Alex question I rolled my eyes not caring that he hates it when someone does that, "Well I won't tell him just like I won't tell your wife about your newest boy toy," I shrugged as I looked down at the sidewalk.

"He isn't my newest boy toy," Zac pleads and I really want to buy it but I can't. "He is just there when I need someone, you know like you used to do."

"Last I checked that meant I was your boy toy Zachary," I spit out as I looked back up from the sidewalk. I am glad to see that Zac's tears have stopped for the time being. "That's why I ended things because I was tired of being that for you."

"I loved you," Zac says and I feel my heart stop at his words. In all the time we were together not once had he ever muttered those three words out loud. Maybe if he had said that before I saw him with Taylor I could believe them but I can't. I also can't help but feel pain that he used loved in the past tense.

"I wish I could believe you," I spoke in a whisper, even surprised that I can muster words since all I want to do is die right now. "I really wish I could believe you," I sighed as I pushed past him without saying anything else more. What else is there left to say right now? I need to forget him and move on. I also need to get back to the office before Austin gets worried and decides to call the Tulsa police and start a search party for me.

Arriving back at the offices I cringed when I saw Austin outside smoking with Taylor, "We need to go," I muttered as I reached him. I was hoping he could sense the urgency in my voice.

When he gave me a confused look but bid Taylor farewell for now I was relieved and I followed him to the car. As I opened the door I looked at Taylor as he called my name.

"I hope you enjoy the rest of your time in Tulsa," he smiles at me and I feel my blood boil because I can see that he is doing it to be smug. It finally hits me why he agreed to keep quiet on me being in love with Zac.

"I'm sure I will douche bag," I muttered sarcastically as I got in the car and slammed the door. I'm sure Austin will have questions for me and I'm also sure I don't even know right now how to answer them. The only things I am sure of is I just want to go back to California and I also want to forget that Zac Hanson exists.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: Austin gulped harder and I could tell he was thinking over his words.

I sighed as I laid in bed and listened to Austin trying to coax me out. It had been two days since the office incident and since then all I had done was lay in bed or smoke a joint while laying in bed. I really hadn't felt much like moving. I didn't have the energy in me to move. I was numb and I wanted to just wake up from what seemed like a nightmare.

"Come on Care," Austin whispered as he got into bed beside me. It kind of felt comforting when he was so close to me. He made me feel comforted. "You can't stay in this crappy bed forever," he sighed as he pulled me close to him. I didn't put up a fight. "Anyway you kind of stink," he laughed.

I couldn't help it but laugh at his last words, "Maybe I like stinking," I said as I looked at him and sighed. That was a lie but hey at least I was trying to have a sense of humor.

"Yeah, right," Austin laughed before giving me his most genuine smile. It kind of warmed me when he smiled at me like that. "How come you are so sad for Care?" he asked and I felt my sense of humor fade. I hated that he had to ask that. I hadn't wanted to tell him what I saw. Heck I was sure he may be slightly disgusted about it, I knew I was disgusted about it.

"I caught Zac getting head," I confessed hearing my voice crack. "Taylor was the one giving it," I whispered not even sure if Austin would hear me. I kind of hoped he didn't but I could tell from the way his eyes grew huge that he had heard my words.

Austin gulped harder and I could tell he was thinking over his words.

"As in his brother?" he asked and I couldn't help but stifle a tiny laugh. Who else did he think I meant?

"No as in Taylor Lautner, the guy who played that damn wolf in Twilight," I joked as I locked eyes with Austin. "Yes as in his brother," I nodded and shuddered as the image of them came into my mind again. I just wanted that image gone but it wouldn't go away. It kept haunting me as if it wanted to say, hey, you were never enough for your precious Zac. Not if he could move on so easily.

Austin shook his head, "Wow," he muttered and I felt him turn away from me as he looked up at the ceiling. "I never knew Zac and Taylor were into incest."

"Me either," I frowned as I too looked up at the ceiling. I hated that I had even told Taylor I loved Zac. I hated that he knew that and still was fucking around with Zac...my Zac.

"I wish I knew how to make things better Care," Austin said as he reached over and took my hand into his. His hands were warm and I smirked. It seemed like his body radiated the warmth he had inside of him. I liked it.

Squeezing his hand I stayed silent for awhile, "You being here, right now, It's enough," I finally spoke up as I turned to look at him. I was surprised to see him looking at me as well.

Austin nods and stays silent for the longest time. His silence can kill me at times. It's painful and it makes the demons in my head come alive again. Moving into him I laid my head on his shoulder. I need, no crave to be closer to him. He is almost like my safety net at times.

"Care," Austin finally spoke up and it surprised me. I had expected him to stay silent for the rest of the night.

"Yeah," I mumbled without moving my head to look at him.

"I...I..I just wanted to say you are my best friend," his stutters and I couldn't help but raise my eyebrow. Austin only stutters when he wants to say more but can't or is too shy to say more.

I smiled before answering him, moving my head slightly, "You're my best friend to Aussie," I said using my nickname for him. It's a dumb nickname but he has always liked it. He said once it always made him feel like I was calling him an Australian and he liked it. He said that while high and attempting an Australian accent. It may have been the cutest thing I had seen.

Austin nods his head and squeezes my hand, which I had forgotten he was still holding.

Laying there I just watched him and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Was he still trying to process what I had seen? Was he feeling pity for me? I sure didn't want anyone feeling pity for me.

Yawning I closed my eyes and before realizing it I was asleep. I had been lulled to sleep while watching Austin.

Waking a few hours later, I opened my eyes and frowned seeing Austin gone from the bed. Sitting up I raised my eyebrow as I heard voices coming from the bathroom. Standing from the bed I made a face at the cramps I have. I may be cursing myself for not moving from the bed much the last two days.

Slowly I started to walk towards the bathroom. When I reached the door and grabbed the knob I was almost scared to open the door. I was half afraid of finding Austin getting a blow job via Isaac Hanson. I'm not sure why that thought almost made me sick to my stomach but it did.

Deciding to just crack the door some in case Austin does have a male companion in there, I moved the knob slowly and looked through the crack. I spot Austin on the toilet a joint in hand. Moving my head some more I'm not surprised to see Isaac sitting on the tub a joint in his hand as well. Who knew he smoked pot?

"I...just...I don't Isaac," Austin frowned as I watched him look at Isaac after taking a drag off the joint in his hand. "I want to make Care happy..I really do but I just don't think I can."

"Austin," Isaac spoke in a manner which gave me chills. I had never heard him speak so...fatherly to anyone before. Heck I hadn't really paid much attention to the tone he used. "You just need to let him figure out his own happiness the best way he knows how."

"Yeah and the best way he knows how is by getting revenge," Austin muttered and I couldn't help but chuckle. He was right on that. I was known for doing dumb shit when I was angry and hurt. It was the only thing in those moments that would make me happy.

Isaac shrugged in response to Austin's words and I watched as he took a drag off the joint in his hand. "Is revenge such a bad thing?" he asked. "I mean whoever wronged him probably deserves it."

I chuckled again. I was glad Austin hadn't told him everything that was wrong with me. That he hadn't told him about his brothers and their sins that they were committing with each other.

"They do deserve it," Austin nodded as he finished his joint. "But I hate seeing Care be so dumb when he is getting revenge...it's just..I wish...never mind," Austin said not finishing his thought and I am left wondering just what he was going to say.

"You wish what?" Isaac asked and I am glad he prodded Austin on what he was going to say.

"I wish that Carrick would see he has someone who loves him right here. That he doesn't have to go and get revenge on whoever hurt him because I'm here," Austin admits as he looks down at his hands.

Hearing his words I had to shut the door and I almost ran to the bed. Sitting down I am silent. I really hadn't expected Austin to say that. Not when I was so sure he had a crush on Isaac. Heck I'm still sure he has a crush on Isaac, but, he loves me...he fucking loves me and I hadn't seen it? Of course I hadn't seen it. I was too busy being Zac's boy toy.

Laying back on the bed I'm not sure I want to leave it for another two days. Maybe this time I will never leave the bed. Screw revenge right now. I just found out my best friend loved me and I felt bad because I could never return how he felt. I could never return his love when the damn youngest Hanson still had my heart in the palm of his hands. I may have hated Zac right now. I may have been lying when I said screw revenge as well, because right now revenge on Zac sounded great. Revenge on Taylor sounded great as well.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: If I was expecting a response from him I don't get one.

Waking in bed the next morning, I opened my eyes as I felt the sun coming through the window and hitting me square in the face...such a lovely fucking sunshine day.

Opening my eyes I sat up in bed and made a confused face when I saw that Austin was gone. Frowning slightly I got out of the bed and walked over to the tiny table that is in the room. Upon inspection I found a letter that Austin had apparently left me. He was out getting breakfast.

"How thoughtful of him," I smirked as I held the letter in my hand. He was always doing little things like that. Now that I knew why, it kind of made me feel guilty that I couldn't return his feelings for me. I would always be hung up on Zac.

Laying the letter down on the table, I walked back over to the bed and sat down. I still needed a good way to get back at Zac. How did I hurt the one guy who I was in love with? That was harder than it seemed.

"Damn him," I muttered as I laid back on the bed. Every time I even tried to think of a revenge plot on Zac, all I could see in my mind was his big wide eyed grin and those damn brown eyes giving me his best puppy dog look. I was a sucker and I needed a way to stop being one.

Hearing a knock on the door I raised an eyebrow. I knew it couldn't have been Austin. He would just let himself in.

Standing up from the bed again I made my way to the door. As I reached for the doorknob and opened it, I was wishing that I had checked through the peephole, because standing in front of me, was none other than Zac himself.

"Fantastic," I replied sarcastically as he raised his head too look at me after I opened the door. Yes, this day was still such a lovely fucking sunshine day.

"Carrot cake," He said a smirk playing on his lips, which made me have to fight the urge to smile back at him.

Crossing my arms I stood in the doorway, blocking his entrance into the room, "Zac," I said trying to keep my face from showing any emotion whatsoever. "How did you know where to find me?"

Zac shrugged and I watched as he tilted his head slightly to the left. He only did that when he was admiring something.

"Isaac told me. I begged it out of him this morning."

I nodded and mentally I wanted to kick Isaac, "And you knew to ask Isaac, how?" I asked keeping my arms crossed. Just being in front of him still was hard for me.

"Because Austin has a huge crush on him," Zac replied as if that was enough.

I couldn't help but chuckle some after I heard him. Oh, if only Zac knew that Austin also seemed to have a thing for me as well.

"Can I come in Carrot cake?"

I exhaled loudly at that question but moved from the doorway. So much for not letting him inside the room. I may be really bad at saying no to him, or well, anyone who means a lot to me. It's a weakness I have and sometimes I really hate it, like right now.

Shutting the door once he is inside I turned and rolled my eyes, seeing that he is already sitting on the bed. Why does he always make himself at home wherever he goes? Why does he make himself at home in my life?

"Why are you here?" I asked as I walked over and sat down beside him on the bed. The question wasn't meant to sound so harsh but it did and I saw Zac tense up some after the words had escaped my mouth.

Zac looked away from me and I raised my eyebrow, waiting on an answer from him.

"I just missed you," he finally spoke and I felt my heartbeat flutter some at his words. I was supposed to be pissed at him, not feeling like swooning over the fact that he missed me. He was supposed to miss me.

Laughing bitterly to mask the fact that I was happy inside, I shrugged, "Isn't that why you have Taylor now?" I asked before chewing on my lip.

"Taylor's no you," Zac sighed as he looked at me and I felt myself moving away from him some. "Anyway I only need Taylor because you ended things."

Rolling my eyes, I almost feel as if we are having a repeat of our last conversation. He knows why I ended things.

"You know why I ended things," I spat out as I locked eyes with him. I can see a bit of hurt in his eyes when I talk to him like I just did.

Zac nodded and kept looking at me, even with being hurt by me, he can still look at me. He is much stronger than I give him credit for sometimes. He is much stronger than he gives his own self credit for sometimes.

"I know," Zac whispered so low that I wasn't even sure I had heard him right. "You were sick of me using you whenever things got bad with Kate," he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, which I have just noticed that he has cut some. "I don't know why you can't understand that I'm just not ready to leave my wife or come out to everyone as gay."

At his last words I rolled my eyes not even caring that he doesn't like it when people do that. It's not that I don't understand that. I do understand it. I understand it and I know that until he is ready to do that, I don't want to be his little puppet. Not when I love him like I do.

"Z," I said as I found myself just using the first initial of his name. "I do understand that. I understand that more than you probably want to believe. I...I just can't waste time though being your sideline guy until that day comes, which in all honesty, it may never come. It's not healthy for me to do that."

If I was expecting a response from him I don't get one. Instead I just get him looking away from me and staring at the door so intently that I almost expected it to fall down or start closing in on us both.

After awhile of uncomfortable silence I feel Zac moving closer to me on the bed, his hand going to rest on my thigh. I know this routine almost like the back of my hand. Which speaking of hands, his is now going farther up my thigh.

"Z," I hissed out but didn't move his hand.

Zac just smirked as he turned to look at me again and I shiver as I feel his lips on my neck. Why am I letting this continue? Instead of fighting him off I just sat on the bed and turn my head until our lips met in a kiss.

It's been so long it seems since I kissed him and I find myself not even caring that Austin could come back at any moment, as I push Zac back on the bed and fall down on over him. This really ruins any plans that I ever had for revenge.

Moaning as I felt his hands go up and under my shirt, I pulled away long enough to discard it on the floor and then I went back to kissing him, "What do you want me from?" I breathed out onto his lips as I pushed my hips down into his own. I can tell from that simple motion that he is turned on.

It may give me a sick thrill that I can still turn him on even if he is also getting satisfied by his brother now a days too.

"I think the question here is, what don't I want from you?" Zac asked as he pulled away from the kiss and gave me a wink as he lifted his shirt off and let it join mine on the floor.

Growling slightly at his words I leaned down and kissed him again once his shirt was off. I was going to take advantage of the time we had alone right now, even if I regretted it later.

Biting my lip as I feel him push his hips into mine again, I moan and close my eyes, feeling my lips moving off his and down to his neck and then his chest. It's like I'm a pirate looking for some sort of buried treasure on him and I can tell from the way he keeps moaning out expletives every now and then that he likes it.

"Have a problem?" I asked as I reached the waistband of his jeans and I move away just long enough to undo them and push them off, a laugh coming out as I see that he has apparently picked up Taylor's love of freeballing.

"Oh, I think I do have a problem," he purrs and I am surprised when I feel him take a hold of my head and navigate it to the destination I had planned on going to anyway. "But I think you can take care of it for me."

I just shook my head and slowly opened my mouth, taking him in it, which makes him moan and writhe in ways that I had almost forgot he could.

"Shit," Zac muttered and I feel him pull on my hair, or what little of it he can grasp.

His pulling on my hair sent a shiver down my spine and I start to move my mouth on him slow at first but when he pulls my hair again, I find myself going faster and somehow I surprise myself with the ability of taking all of him in my mouth. It's a move that I swear makes every cuss word imaginable come out of Zac's mouth.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't get harder when he let that string of cuss words out and I pick up my movements with my mouth. I want to finish him off so that he can return this little favor.

Closing my eyes I take all of him in my mouth again and when I hear him this time it's the moans he makes when he comes. Keeping my eyes closed I swallow him. He is the only guy I have ever swallowed and the only one that I ever want to swallow.

Moving away I laid down beside him and watched as he caught his breath. "You know," I smirk when I am certain that he has caught his breath. "I think it's your turn to return the favor now."

"Gladly," he smirks and when I feel his lips on my neck, I close my eyes and enjoy this. I've been without it some form of him for too long to let myself feel guilty for being too weak to stop things from progressing this far.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Why are you so mad at me?" I ask as I stand up and walk over to him.

Sitting on the bed after Zac has left the room, I sigh and run a hand through my hair. I do regret that I let Zac get inside of me again, no pun intended but damn it, it felt good having him again. It felt good being in his arms again.

Frowning I let out a tiny grunt. I'm pathetic when it comes to having Zac near me. I'm stupid if I think I can ever get revenge on him or make him feel bad for also being with Taylor. It seems I'll just wind up letting him worm his way back into my life and my heart, though to be honest, he never left my heart no matter how mad I am at him.

When I hear the door open I look up and see Austin coming inside, carrying a bag of McDonald's. A smile is plastered on his face and I'm not sure why I feel so damn guilty when I see him giving me that smile.

"You got McDonalds?" I ask as I raise my eyebrow.

Austin shrugs before smiling at me some more, "I was kind of hoping I could get you to break your vegan lifestyle for just a day," he laughs as he sits down beside me on the bed, bag still in hand.

Taking the bag from him I open it and make a face when I see the oatmeal he has gotten me. Taking it out of the bag I smirk, "I thought you wanted me to break my vegan lifestyle?"

"I did," Austin shrugs again as he laughs some more, trying to stop before speaking some more. "But then I decided you wouldn't be the Carrick I know and love if you did that for me."

When he mentions loving me, I swallow the bite of oatmeal I now have in my mouth hard. I'm not sure If I should confront Austin with what I know or just let it be. I mean I feel kind of weird knowing he has feelings for me and a part of me feels stupid for having not seen it. I had known him for what seemed like forever and I couldn't tell he liked me, yet I could tell that he also seemed to like Isaac too.

"Speaking of love," I say before taking another bite of the oatmeal and looking at him. "I...umm...might have heard you last night," I whisper before looking away. For some reason I just can't look at him right now.

"Heard me last night?" Austin asks confusion apparent in his voice.

I nod at his question, knowing he doesn't have an idea as to what I mean. "I woke up and heard you and Isaac in the bathroom," I mutter and look down at the oatmeal in my hands. "I heard you tell him that you had feelings for me," I finally say feeling a bit better now that it's out there. I'm just nervous of where this conversation will go now. What is going to be said by him? What will I say in response to what he says?

When Austin goes silent and stays silent I almost want to look over at him but I still can't. I'm total chicken shit right in this moment. Hearing Austin clear his throat I start to brace myself for his words.

"I didn't know you woke up," He says his voice lower than what it was before. I'm sure if I look at him that smile he had is also gone. "I...I didn't mean for you to hear my confession," he sighs and it's such a sad sound. Why is it so sad?

"I figured you didn't," I mutter again laughing some. I really want to lighten the mood because his attitude right now is just depressing me.

Austin laughs some and I feel like my attempt at lightening the mood is a success. At least some things I can do right.

"I never wanted you to know," Austin says his voice staying low. "I've always known I'll never be able to compete with Zac so I guess I just found it useless to even try bringing up how I felt for you."

After he speaks I feel the bed shift some and I finally have the ability to look up, seeing that Austin has moved away from me some. Frowning that he has moved away I take the last few bites of my oatmeal and lay the container on the floor.

Reaching out I let my hand rest on his back, "I'm sorry you felt like that Aussie," I say trying to comfort him in some way.

Seeing Austin look down at my words, I frown more.

"I'm sorry too," Austin mutters and stays looking down. "How much do you hate me right now?" he asks before finally looking up at me. When he looks at me I see then that he has tears in his eyes. God I never wanted him to cry.

Shaking my head before answering him I take a deep breath, "I could never hate you for how you feel. You can't ever help your feelings," I shrug knowing that statement all too well. If I could cut off how I felt for Zac I would. If I could develop feelings for Austin I would. Maybe if I liked Austin my life would be less complicated.

Austin smiles some at my words, "Really?" he asks his voice cracking slightly and I see more tears going down his cheek.

"Really," I nod as I find myself pulling him into a hug. I hate seeing him like this. Like such a sad puppy dog. It breaks my heart in ways I don't know how to describe.

As I hold Austin closer in my arms I smile some. It's kind of funny how just a few days ago he was comforting me and now I'm comforting him. It seems like that is all we ever do for each other at times.

"Care?" Austin mumbles into my neck.

"Yeah?" I answer, wondering just what he is going to ask.

He hesitates for awhile but finally speaks, "Why do you smell like Zac....and sex?"

Hearing his question I pull away some. I knew I should have showered after my encounter with Zac. I should have expected to be caught.

When I don't answer I see Austin shake his head and it's like his whole mood has changed all of a sudden. I'm not sure if I'm going to like his new shift in attitude or not. Now I'm afraid he hates me, well not maybe hates me, but I'm pretty sure he is mad at me.

"Please tell me he wasn't here," Austin says as he pleads with me. His tone is pleading and his eyes well they match his tone to a perfect T. "Please Care," he says before moving away from me again.

Chewing on my lip, I wish more than ever that I could tell Austin what he wants to hear. "I wish I could tell you that Austin," I whisper as I feel my cheeks grow hot. I feel like a child who is getting in trouble and I have that damn guilty feeling again. I really hate the guilty feeling.

Austin stands from the bed and starts pacing the room. Something I'm not sure I have ever seen him do before.

"How could you be so stupid?" he asks as he laughs bitterly and I almost feel like he has slapped me across the face. I don't think he has ever called any of my decisions stupid, at least not to my face.

Instead of answering him I just shrug.

"You don't know how you can be so stupid?" he asks after seeing me shrug.

"Because I can't tell Zac no," I finally answer as I chew on my lip harder now. I kind of hate seeing him pacing back and forth now. It's making me uncomfortable. "Why are you so mad at me?" I ask as I stand up and walk over to him. When I reach him I let my hands go to his shoulders and I stop him from moving.

Instead of answering me, I watch as his face inches closer to mine and when I feel his lips on my own I'm frozen in place. Hearing a sigh escape from my lips though I surprise myself when I respond to his kiss.

I'm not supposed to like the feel of his lips on mine. I'm not supposed to like this when Zac has my heart and I was just with him less than two hours ago. This is wrong in millions of ways, yet none of them is stopping me from kissing Austin like my life depended on it.

When Austin pulls away after awhile, I have to catch my breath. I'm not sure what to say. Instead I grab the keys that I see laying on the table. Picking them up I walk towards the door and head outside. Austin is saying something but I'm not paying attention. I need to get out of this room and away from him.

Reaching his car I get in and start it, driving away. I really have no clue where I'm going and I'm not sure I care much either. I just need to think, or maybe thinking is the last thing I need. I'm not sure which one would be better for me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: After I speak, I notice the way Zac's eyes get big.

After leaving the motel, I wasn't sure where I was going, yet I was nowhere near surprised when I found myself sitting at a bar where I let myself indulge in one too many drinks. To say I drink when I get upset, would be an understatement. I drink and I drink heavily. Sometimes I'm not even sure I know my own limits sometimes.

A few hours of indulging in one too many drinks and I knew it was wrong to drive. If Austin knew I was driving his car while this intoxicated he probably would have shit a brick and then he would have hit me with said brick. I also knew it was wrong to be going in the direction of Zac's house. What did I hope to gain by showing up there?

When I arrive at Zac's house, I park the car. I'm almost positive I'm not even parked straight but right now I don't care. All I care about is seeing Zac. Getting out of the car I shut the door with a little too much force and jump as it slams some. I'm a tad bit glad nothing is broken.

Walking up his driveway I have to take a few deep breaths because the world seems to be spinning and it won't stop spinning. Why the fuck won't it stop spinning? Taking an even deeper breath as I reach his porch, I walk slowly up the three steps and to the door. Raising my hand, I knock three times. I could have just rung the doorbell but I'm not a fan of doorbells.

When I hear the door open, I smile some when I see Zac, but that smile falters when I see his wife, the bitch known as Kate, walk up behind him. I knew she was going to be here but I wished she wasn't.

"Zac," I mutter finally my words slurring a bit. "I..I came to see how my little love muffin was doing," I laugh as I shoot him a wink and then glare at Kate. I know she hates me as much as I hate her, though she isn't even aware that the reason I hate her is because I'm in love with her husband. Because I fuck her husband.

After I speak, I notice the way Zac's eyes get big. I'm sure he is shocked. What else would he be? I was kind of hoping for happy.

"Carro," he starts to say Carrot Cake but stops himself. Of course he wouldn't want to explain that nickname to his wife. "Carrick," he finally chooses as he shakes his head at me. I feel like a child about to get scolded. "You came to see how I was doing at three am?"

Hearing Kate sigh as Zac spoke, I ignored her sigh and answered Zac, "Yes," I nod as I step closer to him. "I thought you would like that I came by to see you my sweetums," I smirk and wink again.

"Carrick," a loud voice chimes in. It's the bitch. "As much as I'd love to stand here and listen to you slur beautiful nothings to my husband, I really think you need to leave," she glares her arms crossing.

Glaring even more, I look at her again, "I do more than slur beautiful nothings to your husband," I say as I try to step inside the house, but I feel a hand on my chest. Looking down I see it is Zac's and he is pushing me away. He doesn't want me inside.

Looking back up, I see Kate raise an eyebrow as a look of curiosity plays on her face. "And what exactly does that mean?" she asks in a tone that I'm sure is her way of egging me on. She is egging me on and it is working.

"It means I fuck him," I spat out not even looking at Zac. I can't look at Zac because I know if I do I'm not going to like what I see. "I fuck him but don't worry, he doesn't love me enough to leave you," I shrug. "And I kissed Austin and liked it so maybe I'm not in love with our precious Zac," I say not able to contain my words anymore. I should have stopped them a long time ago but I couldn't. It seems I have loose lips when drunk.

"You kissed Austin?" Zac speaks and I'm pretty sure the hurt in his voice shocks both Kate and I.

I wasn't expecting him to sound hurt and I know Kate sure as hell wasn't expecting him to sound hurt. Swallowing hard I look at her and just watch as she shakes her head and walks off. I'm sure in my gut that he is a dead man later.

"You kissed Austin?" Zac asks again this time his voice cracking. Is he trying to kill me?

I nod, "I did," I sigh as I look down at the porch. "He kissed me and I kissed him back." I'm not using that to justify my actions nor do I think I need too. I mean Zac has a wife and is apparently messing around with Taylor. Why should I have to justify my kissing Austin?

Seeing Zac step out onto the porch and shut the door behind him, I back away some, "Are you mad at me?"

"Mad isn't exactly the right choice of words," he sighs and then makes a face. "You reek of booze. You really shouldn't be driving," he mutters before crossing his arms. "Hand me the keys, I'll drive you home," he says and I can't help but feel my heart flutter as he bits his lip.

I wish my feelings and emotions weren't all over the place. I wish I hadn't enjoyed kissing Austin because that has just made me worse than what I already was.

Reaching into the pocket of the jeans I'm wearing, I hand Zac the keys to Austin's car, "Your wife is going to be pissed," I let him no matter of factly as I walk off of his porch and towards the car. I can hear his footsteps behind me so I know he is following.

"She's going to be pissed anyway Carrot Cake," he says finally using my nickname. "You did just reveal everything to her and while she is a bitch she isn't a dumb bitch," he sighs as he walks past me.

I just watch him as I walk the rest of the way in silence. When I reach Austin's car, I get in and buckle up. Looking over at Zac as he gets in and does the same.

Biting my lip I look out the window as he pulls out of his driveway and heads off towards the hotel, "Why were you hurt when I said I kissed Austin?" I ask not even sure why. Why does my mouth move when I don't want it too?

Hearing Zac take a few deep breaths before answering me, I turn to look at him.

"Because...I just...never mind," he whispers as he shakes his head and I frown. I wish he would have told me. I may not have wanted to ask but now that I had, I had indeed wanted the answer.

"Fine, I'll just forget about it," I shrug as I look away from him. The rest of the ride is in silence.

When he pulls up to the hotel and parks the car I look at him again, "How are you going to get home?" I ponder as I move closer to him.

"I'll call Taylor," he answers and I frown some when he moves away from my closeness. He has never moved away from me before.

"Are you going to fuck him too?" I ask my words coming out more bitter than I meant.

When Zac's face changes, I sigh knowing that was his intentions, "Would it matter to you if I did?" he asks me as he steps out of the car. "You said that you weren't even sure you still loved me now," he said before shutting the door.

After he shuts the door I frown more and watch as he moves away from the vehicle. Seeing him get his cell phone out and hold it too his ear after dialing a number, I lay back in the seat. I had admitted that I wasn't sure if I still loved Zac or not, "Fuck," I mutter not having wanted my feelings for love to come out like this. Not having wanted Zac to think I was questioning them...because I wasn't, was I? Anyway why did he care if I didn't love him? He has no reason to care just like he had no reason to be hurt that I kissed Austin.

Getting out of the car, I walked past Zac and headed to the room I was sharing with Austin, "Have fun fucking your brother," I said harshly not even turning to look at Zac. Instead I just kept walking to the door. My eyebrows raising as the door flings open as soon as I come to stand in front of it.

Without even saying another word I'm left shocked at the strength Austin uses to pull me inside. I don't even ask how he knew I was back. I stay silent even after I pull my arm away from his hand and walk over to the bed.

Sleep is what I need right now. Laying down I close my eyes and as I do, I'm faintly aware of Austin's arm around my waist. It's kind of funny that even though I left him like I did this afternoon he still seems to want to be near me. He still wants to hold me as he sleeps.

Listening to his breathing even out I let his breaths lull me into my own slumber. A slumber full of dreams of him and of Zac..both doing various sinful things to me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "I think coming out here was a bad idea."

Sitting in Austin's car the next morning, I sit back in the seat and wait on him. He has decided to come by 3CG. Apparently some big meeting with Isaac. If it hadn't been for my spectacle at Zac's house and then how I treated him once he dropped my off, I might have the courage to be inside right now, but I don't have said courage.

Looking over as I see a car pull up, I'm sure if I could see my face right now it would be as pale as a ghost. Kate has just arrived at the studio. Heaving a tiny sigh I close my eyes and hope, really hope that by some odd miracle she doesn't spot, even if she is parked right beside the car.

When I hear a knock on the window, I open my eyes, not even sure why I have to turn my head. I know exactly who it is.

"Kate," I reply as I roll the window down. I'm doing my best to sound happy and be nice. After last night I owe her that much.

Kate looks me over and I can tell from her glare that she is still pissed over last night, no matter how nice I try to be. "Can you get out of the car?" she asks in a tone that sends shivers down my spine. It's nice but I can tell from her body language that while her tone was nice this conversation will be anything but nice.

I nod my head and slowly open the door and step out of the car. When I shut the door again, I lean my body against it. I am afraid to be out of the car and to be so close to Kate. If she were to murder me right now she could. Hell a part of me wouldn't blame her for it.

"We need to talk about last night," Kate begins and I watch as she crosses her arms over her chest.

I run a hand through my hair and look down, "I was drunk," I say as if that will explain everything. "I was drunk and I just said some stupid shit," I shrug. I know she hates cussing, Zac has told me this many times so I am none to surprised by the even worse of a look on her face after I say the word shit.

Kate shakes her head, "You might have been drunk, but nothing you said was stupid. You spoke the truth," she shrugs. "I've known Zac has been cheating on me, he thinks I didn't, but really I'm not stupid," she sighs before looking down. "I just never expected that he was cheating on me with a guy."

"You knew he was cheating on you?" I ask her feeling a tad bit shocked at everything she has said to me. If she knew he was cheating then why has she stayed with him for so long? "Why stay if you knew?" I ask deciding to voice my thoughts out loud to her.

When I see Kate, look back up, I swallow hard when she locks eyes with me. It makes me slightly uncomfortable to have her looking into my eyes.

"I stay with him because I love him," she says as she uncrosses her arms. "I love him even if I do have the tendency to treat him horribly at times."

I'm sure my eyes widen when she admits to treating Zac horribly. The only reason I am sure of this is because I hear a small snort escape Kate. "What are you going to do, I mean now that you know Zac prefers to get his sexual satisfaction from men?" I ask my tone changing to a more harsh one. I'm not even sure why I turned harsh on her. It's really unwarranted, I know that.

Kate glares at me and I watch as she steps closer, "I plan on making sure you, stay out of his life Carrick," she smirks. "I plan on making sure he knows that if you come around again that I will make sure he loses both of the kids for good," she laughs lightly before moving away from me and heading towards the door of the offices.

"Why just me?" I call out after her.

Kate stops in her tracks and turns to face me, her eyebrow raised, "Because you're the only one Zac is having an affair with," she says as if she knows everything. I really want to burst her bubble. I'm not the only one Zac is cheating with. In fact the other person he is fucking is a lot worse than me.

I just shake my head and decide to follow after Kate. Maybe I can find Austin and talk him into ditching the offices. Hell maybe I can talk him into going back to California. Tulsa has done me no good.

Getting inside, I watch as Kate heads towards the offices and I head towards the sound booth area. Austin had said that was where he would be meeting Isaac. It's when I'm halfway there and hear a shriek that I turn and see Kate standing in the doorway of the offices looking horrified.

"What in the hell?" I say out loud as I change directions. I'll be the first to admit that I can be nosy at times. This is one of those times. When I reach the offices my mouth drops open and my eyes grow wide again for the second time that day. There in the middle of the offices is Zac and Taylor both naked and standing up. I can only imagine how Kate saw them.

Looking over at her when I feel eyes on me I just offer her a shrug, "Now you see why I asked why just me," I smirk. At least for once it's not me who is having a really bad day. Nope this is actually quite amusing to me. Zac and Taylor may have just made it to where I don't have to get any revenge at all. They found a way to screw themselves over.

"Care what's.." I hear Austin say but stop mid-sentence. Turning I see him behind me, with Isaac beside us. His expression is kind of similar to Kate's. One of pure disgust.

I don't even say anything, I just turn my head back to Zac and Taylor. Both of them are trying to get dressed as fast as they can. Zac is trembling, I can tell and Taylor, hell Taylor almost looks amused at all of this.

"I should head home," Taylor mumbles after he is dressed. He leaves Zac standing in the middle of the office as he pushes his way out of the now crowded doorway. Of course that fucker would leave Zac to be the one to explain.

"Maybe we should go," Austin says as he put an arm around my shoulder.

I nod and just as I am turning around I hear Kate tell Zac that he has some explaining to do and Isaac agrees. Looking back at Zac, I frown when I see his puppy dog stare. It's as if he is a little child about to be scolded by his mother and also his father. What I wouldn't give to hug him right now. Tell him that everything will be okay, even if it won't. I just want to comfort the man I love, but instead I am being lead out of the building by Austin.

Sighing, I pull away from Austin once we are outside. Going to his car I get in the passenger seat and buckle up, "I feel bad for Zac," I speak up after Austin is in the car.

"I don't," Austin shrugs and I turn to look at him as he starts the car and drives off. "It's about time he got what he deserves. I mean for hurting you," he sighs.

I raise my eyebrow when I see Austin head in a different direction then our hotel, "Where are we going?" I ask curiously.

"Back home," he says before glancing in my direction. "I think coming out here was a bad idea."

At his words I frown. I may have wanted to go home earlier today, but now after knowing that Zac is up shit creak and acting like a child, I don't want to leave him, though I know I can't object. I'm not the one driving and to be honest I feel like if I try to convince Austin to stay it will just turn into an argument. An argument I don't want to have.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "How about I stop caring for you at all?" he asks as he stands up from the porch and starts to walk away.

Sitting on my front porch two weeks later, I sigh as I look over at Austin. Since being back it seemed like he wouldn't leave my side. He was treating me as if I was worse than I had been when we left for Tulsa. I didn't think I was worse, I mean yeah, I knew about Taylor and Zac fucking and I had told Kate everything but I thought I was doing better.

"I don't need you treating me like a baby," I say as I look away from him. I feel like a kid confronting their overprotective parent.

Austin sighs, "How exactly am I treating you like a baby Care?"

Looking down at my hands, I chew on my lip as I decide on the best way to answer him. I feel like if I answer him wrong he may just ground me for the rest of my life.

"Being with me all the time since we have been back. Not letting me do shit for myself," I shrug as I look up. "I'm not a fucking child nor am I as depressed as I was," I mutter before looking at him. "If you love me like you told Isaac that you did then stop acting like a concerned dad."

After I say the words, I immediately regret the harshness in which I said them. I could have been nicer. I know that but sometimes I have the tendency to be a prick.

"Fine Care," Austin says his tone going harsh as well. "How about I stop caring for you at all?" he asks as he stands up from the porch and starts to walk away.

Seeing him walk away I can't help but frown, "Aussie, don't," I speak up as I too stand from the porch and soon walk after him. When I reach him I grab his arm. "I'm sorry that I was a prick," I sigh. Apologizing has never been something I'm good at.

Austin turns to face me after I apologize and I'm half scared he may slap me. If he did slap me I would deserve it.

"I'm sorry too," he says as he looks down away from me. "I guess I'm just scared that going to Tulsa did more damage to you then it did good," he shrugs before looking back up.

When he looks back up I notice the hint of sadness in his eyes. I'm tempted to pull him into a hug. I hate when he has that sad look. It's one look of his that can always make me become mush.

I reach over though and just stroke his cheek with my hand, "It's okay," I whisper and offer him a smile. "I'm fine," I say still smiling, though a part of me doesn't really believe my own words once I state them. Am I really fine?

Austin smiles as I stroke his cheek, "You sure you are fine?" he asks.

I really wish he hadn't asked that because now I am doubting myself. Instead of speaking I just nod my head and move my hand off his cheek.

"Good," Austin says as he smiles more and walks back towards my house. "You know, I was thinking maybe we could go out tonight."

I roll my eyes and follow after him, "Go out where?" I ask not sure if I feel up to going out, though if I really want to prove to Austin that I am fine I may have to go out, just for show.

Austin turns to face me with a huge smirk on his face, "There is this new gay bar downtown," he shrugs as he walks into my house as if he owns it. Hell maybe he does own it since he is here more than he is at his own place.

I stand on the porch in shock for a few seconds before finally going inside, "A gay bar?" I ask wanting to make sure I have heard him right. I know I'm into guys but hell I don't think I've ever had any interest in stepping foot inside of a gay bar.

Austin just nods and before I can speak anymore he is pulling me off into my room.

"I need to find you something else to wear though," he mutters as he looks me over and scrunches up his face.

At his words I look down at myself, "And what's wrong with what I have on?"

Austin just laughs some as he opens my closet and begins to rummage through it, "Don't take this wrong hon, but you look like a hobo," he shrugs as he turns to face me, giving me a wink.

I can't help but laugh. He does have a point but then again, I always look like a hobo, so I'm not sure what to make of him wanting me to not look like one tonight means.

It takes Austin thirty minutes before he finds something suitable and it takes me just ten minutes to change into it though I wish it was longer because as soon as I have changed I'm following Austin out the door and towards his car.

"Why do you look so down Care?" Austin asks me once he reaches his car.

I shrug as I walk to the passenger side, "Not down, more like nervous."

"Don't be nervous, I'll be with you," Austin winks as he opens his door and gets in.

I just sigh and get in as well. I wish I could not be nervous but this is something new and since a part of me is now questioning whether I really am okay or not, going to a gay bar isn't on the top of my lists of things to do. No on the top of my list would be staying home and getting high.

When Austin pulls out of my driveway, I just turn my head and stare out the window. I'm hoping the whole night will just go by in a hurry.  
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Looking at my watch, I chew on my lip. It's almost midnight and Austin and I have been at this damn bar now for four hours. For long fucking hours. Avoiding the gaze of the guy who is sitting beside me at the bar, I scan the dance floor until I see Austin. Of course he is dancing with a guy. A guy who could eerily pass as Isaac's twin.

"I can't fucking take this," I growl as I stand from the bar stool. I am way too sober right now and I just want to go back home. Taking a deep breath I push my way through the crowded dance floor until I reach Austin and his Isaac look a like.

"Care?" Austin asks as his voice slurs. Well at least one of us is drunk.

"Yeah, it's me," I nod and look over at the Isaac look alike. He is giving me a death glare and I just shrug. "Sorry to interrupt," I smile as I let my hand latch onto Austin's arms. "But my boyfriend is incredibly drunk and I think it's time I take him home," I shrug as I turn and lead Austin away. I don't care that I have lied.

When I make it outside I lead the way to his car, "I need your keys," I tell him knowing there is no way in hell I am letting him drive drunk.

"Fine," Austin mutters as he pulls away from me and reaches into his pocket. Within seconds he is holding his keys out for me and I take them. "You know," he slurs as he walks over to the passenger side, "I heard you call me your boyfriend."

Getting in the car, I shrug as I watch Austin get in, "It's the only way I would have gotten him to let me take you home."

Austin just giggles, "Tell yourself that all you want. I think you want me to be your boyfriend."

At his words, I go silent. I'm not sure what to say because the idea of him as my boyfriend does kind of thrill me but as soon as the thrill leaves I have thoughts of Zac. Fucking Zac creeping in when I don't want him too. Taking a deep breath I just reach out and turn the radio up. If I'm going to not speak I need something to kill my confusing thoughts.

When I pull into my driveway, I cut the car off and get out.

"You didn't respond to me," Austin says as he soon reaches where I am at. How in the world can he move so fast when he is drunk?

"I didn't think you telling me your thoughts warranted a response," I mutter as I look over at him before walking onto the porch. Unlocking the door I step inside and turn on the lights. I have never been so relieved to be home before in my life.

Hearing the door shut I just laugh, "I could have shut the door," I say as I turn to look at Austin. I'm surprised at how close we are.

'I know," he nods as he moves even closer to me, "but I wanted to do it," he smirks and before I can say anything else I feel his lips on my own.

Fuck, Austin is kissing me and much like the last time he kissed me I don't pull away. No I let him kiss me and I know I'm going to let him lead me to my bedroom as well. I'm going to let Austin have his way with me tonight.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "You like?" Austin asks a laugh coming out and I shiver again as his breath hits my skin.

Kissing Austin harder, I'm vaguely aware of him walking us to my room, not once breaking the kiss. It's like he can read my thoughts. That he knows I will let him have his way with me. I almost like that he knows me so well.

When we reach my bedroom, it's me who pulls away though it's only long enough to pull his shirt off of him and throw it to the floor, "Austin," I moan out as I kiss him again on the lips. If this had been a few weeks ago, I really wouldn't have seen this happening between us right now.

"What do you want Carrick?" Austin asks against my lips as he pushes me back down on the bed with such force that I have never seen before.

Kissing him just a bit harder I'm reluctant to answer his question because I'm afraid and I'm not sure why I am so afraid. Turning him over so he is beneath me I sigh, "I want you," I whisper into his mouth.

It's after I say those words, that Austin breaks the kiss and pushes my shirt off and then pulls me back in but this time his lips are on my neck and I shiver at how good it feels.

"Damn it," I groan feeling my growing erection in the jeans that I am wearing. If his lips feel this good on my neck, I'd love to feel them in other places too.

"You like?" Austin asks a laugh coming out and I shiver again as his breath hits my skin. Unable to answer him I just nod my head yes.

Austin laughs again and continues kissing my neck and I close my eyes tight, my hips moving into his. I'm not surprised at the fact that he is equally as hard as I am right now.

Deciding to be bold, I reach down and unzip his jeans and the proceed to push them down along with his boxers. I just really want to touch him right now. I need to touch him anywhere I can find.

Once he is naked, I smirk and let my hand wrap around his hard cock and it's my turn to laugh at the breath he takes before moaning loudly. I know he likes me touching him there and damn it, it thrills me to know I can please him like this.

Slowly I start to pump him and I move my head some so I can watch his reactions. I know it means I can no longer feel his lips on my neck but I don't care. I like seeing what I am doing to him. I like seeing the effects that my actions have on him and so far I am satisfied.

"Fuck, Carrick," he groans out and I feel myself grow just a bit harder as he bits his lip. That one action causes me to move my hand faster on his hot flesh. I have never felt a hunger and desire for someone, quite like I feel for Austin in this moment.

Realizing I'm still in my jeans, I move my hand away from his cock which gets a whimper to come out of Austin. I just chuckle and push up, reaching down and undoing my jeans in a hurry before sliding them down along with my boxers.

Once I'm naked it's then that I feel Austin's eyes on me. Looking at him, I can't read his expression and I wish I could, "What is it?" I ask as I lean over him and kiss him once more, this time much more gentle than our first few kisses. I'm afraid he may have changed his mind about what is to come. I'm afraid he'll decide he doesn't want this.

When he kisses me back though and lets his hands go to my hair, which he pulls on gently, my fears ease some.

"I...I just...I don't want you to be using me," Austin mutters as he pulls away from the kiss and looks up at him, keeping his hands in my hair.

Locking eyes with him I nod at his words, "And I'm not using you," I smile as I keep my eyes locked with his.

I'm truly not using him right now. I could never use Austin, no matter how confused I am about everything I feel, I'm not using him.

Instead of replying to me, Austin kisses me again and I sigh feeling content. As we kiss, I soon become aware of the fact that his cock is touching mine and damn it does it ever feel good. "I need you," I whisper on his lips.

At my words, I grin when Austin flips us over so I am on the bottom and I know he is going to top me. I rarely let anyone top me but for him I'd make an exception.

"Then you'll get me," Austin smirks and I watch as he sticks a finger into his mouth to wet it. Closing my eyes I prepare myself for the feeling of his finger inside me and as soon as I feel it, I move slightly. It's new and oh so different from the times Zac has done it.

As soon as I think of Zac, I feel like kicking myself mentally and I open my eyes. I don't want to think of him, not right now, not while I am with Austin. This isn't the right time to think of him.

"Fuck, Austin," I breathe out as I feel him add a second finger inside me. If I thought the first finger felt good then the second one feels heavenly. Moaning some I move my hips. His fingers feel nice but I just want him inside of me.

Austin winks down at me, "You like Care baby?" he asks as he gives me a gentle but brief kiss.

I nod my head, "I like, but it would be even better if you just got inside of me already," I smirk being bold again. I see no use in hiding what I want right now.

"Your wish is my command," Austin whispers as he removes his fingers and soon positions himself just right. Biting my lip I close my eyes I try to keep from moaning too loud once I feel him inside of me. He isn't as big as Zac but he feels better than Zac does.

Damn Zac. Coming into my head again while I am with Austin. It's like he is haunting me, knowing that I'm doing something with someone new. Hell since being with Zac I had never been with anyone else.

Opening my eyes, I look up at Austin and pull him into a kiss as I feel him start to move inside of me. I'm hoping that by kissing him it will make me forget Zac for the time being.

As we kiss, I'm not sure how much time has slipped away but with the way he is moving in me and also now stroking my cock, I know I'm close. I'm so close and the moment my stomach muscles tense up, I moan out his name as I come, my eyes closing and Zac's face coming to mind.

Keeping my eyes close, I continue my movements and feeling Austin slow I know he too is now close and I'm prove right by the sound of his voice moaning my name. It may be the best damn sound I ever heard.

Opening my eyes, I look up at him and hope their isn't guilt on my face for picturing Zac as I came, "That was wonderful," I smirk as I pull Austin down for one more kiss.

Austin returns the kiss then pulls away and moves off of me, "It was wonderful but it wore me out," he laughs before yawning. He looks so beautiful laying there basking in the afterglow of what we just did.

"Then sleep," I smile before leaning in and kissing his cheek. After I say that I watch as he closes his eyes. I'm just about to turn over and close mine as well but I hear a knock at the front door and groan. Turning my head I look at the clock and see it's going on five in the morning. Who the hell would be hear at this time?

Hearing the knock again, I sigh and get out of bed. I wish I could ignore whoever it is, but it seems they just don't want to go away. Finding my boxers in the mess of clothing that now litters my floor I slip them on and leave the room, cracking the door as I do.

When I reach my door, I open it and am about to reply until I see who it is.

"Zac," I mutter, my voice now barely a whisper.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Wow," I whisper not having expected this at all, especially after having just gave into my wanting to have sex with Austin. "I'm not sure what to say."

Zac just stands there for a few seconds after I say his name. I can't read his facial expression well, but his eyes, they look so lost and it almost makes my heart break so bad.

"I left Kate," Zac finally speaks and he looks down at the porch and away from my gaze. "I left her after she gave me the option to chose between her and my brother," he sighs before looking back up at me. "I can't just cut out my family."

I'm silent after he speaks, not sure what to make of it all. How do I react to him leaving Kate? What does it mean that he chose Taylor over his wife? How am I going to explain this to Austin if he wakes up?

Clearing my throat, I run a hand through my hair, "Why did you come all the way to California?" I ask still not sure why he is at my door.

Zac shrugs, "Because I needed you," he says like it was always that simple. He needed me so he came here. "I'm not stupid Carrot cake," he smirks using that damn nickname for me. "I know nothing is ever going to come from whatever it is I have with Taylor. I know he'll never leave Natalie and he still loves Alex."

"So you're saying you chose me too?" I ask raising my eyebrow.

Zac nods, "I guess I am."

"Wow," I whisper not having expected this at all, especially after having just gave into my wanting to have sex with Austin. "I'm not sure what to say."

"You could say, come in," Zac laughs and it's then that I know he is unaware that right down the hall, in my bed is Austin.

I laugh too or well try my best, "Come in," I say and I'm not surprised when he does come inside.

Zac looks around after he comes in, "This place never changes," he says as he shakes his head. "I was here two years ago and I swear it still looks the same."

I shrug, "I don't think people change things in their house that often," I answer as I walk over to the couch and sit down.

"Kate does," Zac laughs and follows me to the couch, sitting down beside me. When he does so, he looks me over. "Did I wake you up?"

"No," I shake my head, "I was just getting ready for bed though," I smile some. It's not a blatant lie. I was getting ready to go to sleep...after fucking Austin.

Thinking of Austin, I realize just how dangerous this is, having Zac in here on my couch. Letting him be here and being so friendly with him. Do I really want Austin to possibly come down the hall and see this? If he does I know I will have a lot of explaining to do.

"I should have picked you a long time ago," Zac speaks up, breaking the silence that had built for a few minutes. "I shouldn't have even started fucking around with Taylor," he frowns as he looks away from me.

I frown as he speaks, feeling guilty for what I have just done with Austin. How the hell could I have done that to Zac? I know I still love him but there is just something about Austin. It's like he has become a drug and he makes me feel so much better. Better than I had felt since ending things with Zac.

"I shouldn't have let you end things," Zac says looking back at me again.

I look away from him now, feeling even more guilty, "But I wanted to end things. I was tired of just being your fall back...even if I loved you."

Feeling a hand on my leg, I can't turn to face Zac. I can't let him see just how ashamed he has made me feel. God damn him having the ability to ruin me. God damn me for letting him do it.

"Do you still love me?" he asks his voice so soft and so low that I can barely hear it. "Because I love you."

Swallowing hard I know this is what I have always wanted to hear from Zac but I wish he would have told me sooner. Told me before I knew that Austin liked me. Told me before I had slept with Austin, before I had developed some fucked up feelings for Austin too.

"I do still love you," I answer as I turn my head to face him, tears welling up in the corner of my eyes. I hate crying in front of people but right now I can't help it.

Zac frowns some and move his hand higher up my leg, "What's the matter then?" he asks as he moves closer to me.

I know he is trying to comfort me but it really isn't helping. Nope, it's making it worse.

"I slept with Austin," I tell him deciding to be honest. It's what I can offer right now. It's what I need to give to him after all he has just said. "He's down the hall in my bed asleep right now."

After I finish speaking, I make eye contact with Zac and I'd be lying if I say I don't see the hurt flash in his eyes. I officially hate myself for hurting him.

"Austin has feelings for me," I continue again and feel a tear go down my cheek, "And in some way, I think I have feelings for him too...and tonight I finally gave into my feelings for him. I let us both have what we want."

Feeling Zac move his hand away, I frown as I watch him stand up and pace back and forth for awhile, a hand running through his hair every so often. "Zac," I say as I start to stand up.

Zac puts his hand out and backs away from me, "I think coming here was a bad idea," he says as he turns his back to me and walks out of the house.

standing there, I just watch him leave feeling helpless. I wish I could do or say something but I can't. Instead I look down and feel more tears coming down my cheeks.

"Why didn't you go after him?" a voice asks harshly and I turn around, looking up as I wipe at my eyes. I'm not surprised when I see it's Austin. Who else would it be.

When I don't answer him, Austin rolls his eyes and it's then that I realize he has gotten dressed again.

"You should have went after him, I mean we both know it's always going to be him," Austin says harsh again. I hate that he is being like this, especially after what happened. "I mean you admitted you still love him," he says his voice raising.

I'm not surprised that Austin has just admitted to hearing most of my conversation with Zac. I was asking for danger when I let Zac inside and of course I got it.

"I also told him I had feelings for you too," I counter as I try to control my emotions and not start crying again.

Austin laughs bitterly and heads towards the door, "Feelings aren't love Care baby," he mutters as he turns back to me. "I was stupid for hoping that what just happened earlier would ever change things. Zac still had you forever wrapped around his finger."

I bit my lip and jump slightly as Austin walks out the door, the door slamming as he does so. If I have ever wanted to be somewhere else, tonight is the night. I truly want to be somewhere, be someone else. Someone who didn't always seem to mess up.

"Stupid Carrick," I say to myself as I sat down on the couch and let myself cry again. It seems crying is all I can do right now.

After just sitting on the couch and crying for what seems like forever, I decide to stand up and head to my bedroom. Sleep may make things better. When I reach my room and climb under the covers in a matter of seconds and close my eyes.

Sometime after closing my eyes though, I'm vaguely aware of a body climbing into the bed with me. I probably should be scared but I'm not, especially when I feel the person sliding an arm around my waist and moving closer.

When they move closer I take a deep breath, almost sure I can pinpoint the smell of the person. I should have known he would come back. I'm glad he came back. Smiling content, I drift off hoping to sleep peacefully in his arms.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: When I get there, I stop in my tracks coming face to face with him. So he decided to come back after all.

Waking up the next morning, I frown, not feeling the arms or the body of the person that had joined me last night. Sitting up, I look around, not even seeing a clue that he had came back to me during the night.

Begrudgingly, I get out of bed and head down the hall, still not seeing a clue that anyone had came to my house last night. Had I seriously imagined it? Imagined feeling his arms and smelling the scent that was him. A scent I knew well and had grown accustomed too.

Shaking my head, I find my cell phone on the table and decide to call him. Picking it up I dial the number that I by now know by heart.

Not getting an answer, I groan when it goes to his voicemail and I just hit hang up. It seems like it's no use. He may have come back to me last night but today is a different story. I was hoping last night had meant he had forgiven me.

Laying my cell phone down on the coffee table again, I lean back on the couch and run a hand through my greasy hair. I really should shower.

Standing from the couch, I head into the bathroom and turn the water on, soon stepping into the shower and sighing when the warm water hits me. If I wasn't awake before I am now.

I stay in the shower until the water gets cold then I get out and wrap a towel around my waist, heading to my room. When I get there, I stop in my tracks coming face to face with him. So he decided to come back after all.

"I thought you left," I say as I head to my dresser to get some clothes out. "I even tried calling you but got your voicemail."

"I thought about not coming back," Zac speaks up and I turn to face him. "But I couldn't stay away from you. That's why I came back last night. I refuse to let you get away again," he says shaking his head.

I just nod and shake my head, grabbing some clothes without even looking to see if they matched. Dropping the towel, I'm about to get dressed when I watch Zac stand from the bed and walk over to me.

"I really don't think you need those just yet," he smirks taking my clothes from my hand and throwing them to the floor. After he does that, he leans in and kisses me, sending an electrifying surge down my body. God how I have missed his kisses.

Kissing him back, I let both of my hands go to rest on his cheeks, savoring the moment while it lasts.

When Zac finally pulls away he looks into my eyes and smirks even more, "I need to be inside you," he mutters and I groan, feeling my cock instantly harden at those words.

Instead of answering him with words I just lean in and kiss him again, walking him over to my bed and pushing him back. Zac doesn't top often, he is the only one, besides Austin that I have ever let top me during sex.

Feeling him kiss me harder, his hand slowly going around my growing erection, I breathe into his mouth and close my eyes. His touch is like a fire on my body and it's a good kind of fire.

"Do you want me inside of you?" Zac asks his voice sounding almost demanding. I like it in an odd way. It's something I have never heard from him before and I wonder where he has learned to be so bold from. Where has he learned to be so demanding?

I nod into the kiss, my eyes closing tighter as he pumps me harder.

"Say it, say you want me inside of you," Zac groans out, again being demanding.

At his words, I moan into the kiss, "I want you inside of me," I mutter as I pull away and look down at him. "I want you inside of me so bad."

It's as if my words set off a spark in Zac and he flips us over, peeling off his clothes in a hurry and then leaning down and kissing me with a hunger I have never felt from him before. I like this new Zac a lot better I think. It's as if he has grown into his own person during sex.

Kissing him again, I reach my hands around and soon pull his hair out of the ponytail it was in. I like his hair down when we are fucking.

After I pull his hair down, I feel his lips trail down my neck and I shiver almost wanting to curse as they go past my neck and onto one of my nipples. When he bites down on it playfully I groan, "Fuck, Zac," I finally do curse.

"You like?" Zac asks as he takes his mouth off my nipple briefly and looks into my eyes.

I swallow hard and nod, feeling his mouth soon go to my other nipple and doing the same thing. If he keeps this up, I'm going to come before he is even inside of me.

Before long, I feel his lips began to trail down my stomach and when he reaches my hips, I inhale, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes, when he kisses my thighs and my mouth drops open when I feel him take me into his mouth.

I have always thought Zac has a mouth for blowing things and one of those things he should blow is dick. He is really good at it. If I thought he was going to do more than blow me I was wrong. I soon feel a finger inside me as he sucks up and down on my length.

Squirming at his actions, I open my eyes and look down at him, to see him looking up at him. The only thing I can read about his expression is lust. Pure and simple.

When he moves his finger out of me and his mouth off of my cock, I whimper and watch as he moves up to kiss me, positioning himself right at my entrance. Of course the tease would stop before I came. He wanted me to come another way.

Kissing him back, I feel him enter me and soon start moving. If I was expecting something slow and simple I was wrong. This is fast and rough and it seems each thrust just gets even more rough. Normally I would complain but right now it's just too fucking hot.

Pulling away from the kiss, I just look up at Zac and let my hand brush across his cheek, which causes him to close his eyes and I shiver as I feel his nails imbed themselves into my hips. "Fuck me harder Zac," I whisper feeling myself start to move with him.

Never in my life have I asked for anyone to fuck me harder but it seems this new Zac has brought out a new side to me. I want to be fucked. I want to be fucked like there is no tomorrow.

Feeling Zac obey my request, I let my head fall back on the bed, each of his thrusts bringing me closer to the edge. An edge that I so desperately want to fall off of. "I love you Zac," I breathe out as I feel myself come.

"I love you too Care," Zac moans out as he buries his head into my neck and his movements slow down until I feel him release inside me. Once he does, he just lays on top of me for the longest time, even after he slides out of me, he stays on top of me.

I hold him in my arms, realizing that he called me Care. He used Austin's nickname for me. At the thought of Austin, I frown. I know eventually I'm going to have to face him again and I know I'm going to have to chose between him and Zac. I can't keep them both even if a part of me wishes too. I can't be that selfish.

When Zac moves off of me, I watch him and reach out, brushing some hair out of his face. He has always looked the best to me when he is coming down from a sex high.

Zac offers me a smile and I lean over kissing him again. It's when we are mid kiss, I become aware of the ringing in the room and I pull away, looking for the source and soon realizing it's coming from the floor. Biting my lip, I offer Zac a sideways glance, "I think your pants are ringing," I laugh as I wink at him.

Zac groans and moves from the bed, walking to where he had discarded his pants. I lay on the bed and watch as he digs his cell phone out and makes a face, "It's Taylor," he whispers as he hits talk.

As I listen to him talk, I roll my eyes. Of course Taylor would ruin our afterglow with a phone call. When Zac hangs up, I raise my eyebrow as he climbs back into bed, "What did he want?"

"He wanted to inform me that Isaac was on his way out here. Apparently it seems all of us run out here when things go to hell with our wives."

"Isaac and Nikki are having problems?" I ask stunned.

Zac nods and moves in closer to me, "They've been having problems for awhile now," he says as he buries his head in my arms and closes his eyes. Before long he is snoring and I just laugh.

Watching him sleep, I soon feel myself getting sleepy and eventually I too give in to slumber.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Don't even mention that asshole Austin," he spits out, his words coming out bitter and angry.

It's been two days. Two days since Zac and I had sex and two days since learning that Isaac was on his way to California and now I have two Hanson brother's living in my house for the time being. It's not that I mind it because I don't, especially Zac being here but Isaac, well that is a different story.

I haven't asked Zac just what problems Isaac and Nikki are having and a part of me isn't sure that I even want to know. I've come to learn one thing over the past few years and weeks even and it's the fact that these Hanson's are really weird people with fucked up lives. Fucked up lives just like mine.

When I hear someone clear their throat, I look up and see Isaac staring at me from the kitchen, "Yeah?" I ask a blush creeping onto my cheeks. I hate that someone caught me getting lost in my own thoughts.

"I was asking if you wanted anything for lunch?" Isaac asks me as he raises an eyebrow, his brown eyes feeling as if they are staring into every part of me.

If Isaac has ever crept me out it is now.

"No," I speak as I shake my head, offering him a small smile. Even if he is creeping me out I will try to be nice to him.

Isaac mumbles something and I watch as he goes into my kitchen briefly, soon coming out again holding a bowl of what looks suspiciously like Ramen noodles. When he sits down beside me on the couch I feel as if I'm in some awkward movie. I really wish Zac would wake up and save me from any weird conversation we may have.

"Thanks," Isaac speaks after taking a bite of his noodles.

I turn my head and look at him confused, "For what?" I ask not sure why he is thanking me? Is he thanking me for not eating? If so that is just really dumb of him, but it does seem like something he would do.

Isaac takes a few more bites of his noodles, "For letting me stay here," he answers after swallowing what was in his mouth.

I shrug and look down, "It's no problem," I say honestly. To be honest I really don't think I would have let him stay if he wasn't Zac's brother and if Austin didn't care for him or possibly have some weird unrequited crush on him. Both the men I am in love with like him so I have to like him by proxy it seems.

"You didn't have too though," he smiles and it looks grateful to me. "I mean you and I aren't even that close."

"No," I admit, "But you are close to Zac and Austin and anybody close to them is a friend of mine," I smile at him again, this time much more genuine than the last time.

Isaac laughs bitterly some and sits his half empty bowl down on my coffee table, "Don't even mention that asshole Austin," he spits out, his words coming out bitter and angry.

At that outburst I am confused and raise my eyebrows, "What did Austin do to make you so mad?" I ask as I try to rack my brain. Austin is the last person who I could think would ever intentionally hurt someone. Make someone mad.

"He is the reason Nikki kicked me out," Isaac says and shakes his head. "Sending her proof of the affair we've been having for a year now."

At his words I almost feel like I have been punched in the gut. Isaac and Austin having an affair. Isaac and Austin fucking for a year. Isaac being gay. If I have ever felt like I was in some weird twilight zone movie it is right now. All the other times, if there have ever been any, don't count right now.

"Y..you and Austin?" I ask feeling my voice break some. Funny, it seems that is what my heart is doing too, breaking.

Isaac's face changes at my question and it clicks in his brain, Austin never once told me a word of this.

"I thought he would have told you," Isaac sighs and racks a hand through his hair. "I mean..he said he would tell you eventually. I just thought he did by now."

I shake my head and stand from the couch, "No, he never told me," I say as I start to pace back and forth. "He never told me he was screwing around with you," I mutter as I roll my eyes. How stupid was I to think I was the one stringing Austin along. It seems right now Austin was the one stringing me along. Trying to fix me and get in my pants while messing around with Isaac.

"I need to get out of here," I mutter as I stop pacing back and forth. Going past my door, I grab my keys off the key rack and head outside, slamming the door behind me. Going to my car, I get in and soon drive off, heading to god knows where. Hell maybe I'll even drive off a cliff.

As I drive, I realize I should have saw the signs. The whole time we were in Tulsa when Austin wasn't with me he was Isaac. The guy at the bar who I saved him from the night we made love, he was an Isaac look alike. I should have known Austin and Isaac were fucking each other.

Parking my car, I look up and sigh, realizing I have driven myself to Austin's house. Obviously my heart has a deathwish, wanting to see Austin after finding out that he is an asshole.

Taking the keys out of ignition, I get out of the car and walk onto the porch. I raise my hand and take a deep breath before knocking loudly.

After I knock, I look down at the porch and wait, wait until I hear the door swing open and then I look up, coming face to face with Austin.

"Care," he speaks using my nickname, "I figured you'd be fucking your little pretty boy," he spits out and I feel like punching him. How dare he have any right to be made at me.

"Shut up," I spit out just as rue as he was and I push my way inside of his house. "Why didn't you tell me you were having an affair with Isaac?" I ask before he has time to even utter anymore words to me. I want to get to why I am here.

"How did you find out?" Austin asks and I turn to look at him, seeing confusion and a hint of shock in his face.

I laugh some and cross my arms, "Because he came to stay with me after Nikki kicked him out because you somehow revealed to her your affair," I inform him.

He looks away from me and sighs, "I didn't see the point in telling you."

"Oh," I say as I laugh again much more bitter this time, "You didn't see the point in telling me you were having sex with Isaac when you were trying to get into my pants?" I ask as I glare.

Austin shakes his head and finally looks at me, "No, because what Isaac and I had was open. He was free to be with other men too if he wanted and I could do the same," he says and I feel like I have been kicked again. This has nothing to do with his arrangement with Isaac.

I uncross my arms and just look at him, "This is nothing about whatever arrangement you and Isaac have. This is about us," I say without realizing I have just called Austin and I an us. "Did you ever think that maybe I didn't want to just be your side piece. That when you claimed to love me that I may have actually fallen in love with you?" I ask as I feel my heart break again.

"But you didn't," Austin says so sure of his own words.

I shrug and just run a hand through my hair, "What makes you so sure of that?"

"If you had fallen in love me you wouldn't have been so eager to be with Zac again. You know I caught you guys having sex two days ago," he says as he walks over to the couch and sits down, looking up at me. "I saw you two. I had came back to apologize for running out on you the day before, for not letting you explain more. Imagine my surprise when I saw you and him in bed."

At his confession I stay silent, not sure what to say.

"I didn't stay long though just seeing it for the few seconds I did it felt like hours," he frowns sadly and I notice the tears going down his cheeks. "I was hurting so bad. When I came home that's when I sent Nikki an email of a video that Isaac and I made. I knew from our Tulsa trip they were having trouble, she was already accusing him of cheating. I wanted someone to hurt like I was hurting."

Feeling my own tears break free, I sigh, "Yeah well you did hurt someone. You hurt me," I confess. "I may have had sex with Zac, I may still love Zac but I did truly fall in love with you," I tell him as I reach up and wipe away a few of my tears. "Hell if anyone had asked me to make a choice yesterday I probably would have chose you."

"And now?" Austin asks as he too wipes at his own tears.

"And now, now all I have to say is for the time being I don't ever want to see you again," I say feeling sad at what this has come too. "You weren't honest with me Aussie," I say using his nickname. "And then when you got hurt by me you lashed out at Isaac. You should have just taken it out on me," I tell him.

After speaking I give Austin one last look before walking to his door and going outside to my car again. Starting it up I drive home feeling as if I have just lost something important, someone important but it was his actions that caused that. His actions and now I have to live with the consequences of them.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "Y...you're gay?" I ask my voice squeaking some as I do.

Arriving back home after going to see Austin, I park my car and get out, heading back inside. "Zac," I call out hoping he is still here. I'm sure Isaac probably told him that I left when he told me what Austin had done and Zac is smart. I know he will figure out that I went to go and see Austin. He has always been smart.

"I'm in the bathroom," Zac calls out and I head towards the bathroom, opening the door and smirking when I see him in nothing but a towel.

"Just get out of the shower?" I ask knowing that is a dumb question. It's obvious he has and I like the sight in front of me.

Zac nods and chews on his lip as he looks at me, "Go to see Austin?" he asks and I can hear the curiosity in his voice, along with something else. Nervousness. He is nervous.

I nod at his words, "Yeah, I did go to see him," I answer as I sit down on the toilet lid. "I had to know why he did what he did," I shrug. "It's so unlike the Austin I knew. The Austin I loved," I sigh as I run a hand through my hair wondering how Zac will react to my admission of loving Austin.

"And why did he do it?" Zac asks me as he crosses his arms. "Why did he hurt Isaac and maybe ruin his marriage?"

I sigh again and shake my head not sure how to tell Zac that Austin did it because of me, because of us. That he saw us having sex and was so hurt that he had to lash out at someone else and make them hurt as well. I am still trying to wrap my head around it myself.

Finally when I think I have the words, I have to turn away from Zac, "He did it because he was hurting," I say knowing this sounds pathetic. "He came by my place and saw us having sex. He was hurting because of that and he wanted someone else to hurt and so he chose to hurt Nikki and Isaac," I shrug knowing that I shouldn't feel sorry for Austin but I do. I feel sorry for someone who acted like a child and ruined people's lives, but hell, didn't I ruin Kate's life by having an affair with her husband and then telling her when drunk? I am no better than Austin.

"Wow," is all that Zac says for the longest time as he sits down on the edge of the bath tub. "I...I don't know what to say to that," he says as he runs a hand through his own hair which I notice is starting to get longer.

I chew on my lip, "I didn't either," I tell him as I frown. "I just let my mouth run though without thinking and I'm sure I may have ripped him a new one," I laugh knowing I rarely reacted they way I had with Austin. "I'm not even sure if I should have done that," I confess as I look away from Zac.

Feeling Zac reach out his hand and put it on mine, I smile even though he can't see me.

"Why do you feel like that?" he asks me as he turns my hand and soon links his fingers with my own, squeezing my hand reassuringly. I hate that he is being so nice, especially since I revealed to Austin that I would have chosen him had anyone asked me to make a choice, well before I knew what Austin had done. Now I know who I would chose if I was asked. I may love Austin but I can never be with someone who would willingly lash out as someone when hurt, which is hypocritical of me I know, but it's how I feel.

Looking at him again, I shrug, "Because I told Kate about us when I was drunk. Don't you remember that?" I ask wondering how he could forget or how he could even be here with me now.

Zac laughs and squeezes my hand again, "Of course I remember that but unlike Isaac, I'm glad you told Kate," he tells me as he locks eyes with me. "I was tired of living a lie and being someone I'm not. I'm not in love with her and I'm most certainly not straight."

At his last comment, I can't help but raise my eyebrow. Zac is gay, I mean I knew he liked having sex with me and obviously Taylor but I just thought he was bisexual. I never suspected that he could be all the way gay. "Y...you're gay?" I ask my voice squeaking some as I do.

Laughing again, Zac just nods and lets go of my hand, trying to act offended by his facial expressions, "Does my being gay bother you sweet Carrot cake?" he asks as he raises an eyebrow.

I can't help but laugh at him, feeling happier than I have since before I found out about what Austin did. "No, it just shocks me," I confess. "I mean I knew you liked sex with me and of course you must have liked sex with your brother but I guess I just thought you were bisexual."

"Well I'm not," Zac states bluntly a smile appearing on his face as he reaches out and pats a space on the side of the bath tub for me to sit down beside him. Moving from the toilet lid, I oblige. "I'm one hundred percent gay and to if you want to know something else," he mutters as his head comes close to mine, "I like sex with you way more than I like it with Taylor," he whispers before kissing me on the lips.

Kissing him back I feel a satisfied smirk come to my lips. I like knowing that he likes sex with me more than the man who just seems like a sex god. Kissing him harder, I let my hand go to rest on his towel covered thigh, hearing a sigh come from his lips.

"You like?" I ask as my mouth travels down to his neck and I nip and bit at the skin there.

Zac just nods his head in response and I smirk more, letting my hand find a way to get up and under his towel, traveling until I find what I am looking for his. His cock, which is as I suspected hard.

Letting my hand wrap around his cock, I pump him a few times, biting his skin a bit harder.

"F..fuck, Care," he mutters as his eyes close and I move my mouth away from his skin.

"What do you want?" I ask, my words coming out in a whisper. "What do you want me to do?"

Zac exhales some as I continue to stroke him and I watch as he closes his eyes tighter. I would be lying if I said I didn't like what I was doing to him because I do like it.

"I want you to suck me," he breathes out so softly but I am able to hear him.

Smirking at his words, I move from the edge of the bath tub and get down on my knees in the floor. Reaching my hand up to his towel, I undo it and lick my lips when I see his cock staring at me, almost like it's calling my name.

Reaching out, I let my hand go around it again and pump him a few times before leaning in and letting my mouth go around him. When it does I hear him mutter a few profanities. I have to admit I like it when he cusses.

Slowly I start to move my mouth, wanting to tease him just a bit. It's kind of fun and a part of me wants him to be demanding again. I want him to tell me what to do.

"Carrick," he moans out and I soon feel his hand curl in my hair. A shiver goes down my spine as he pulls it as well. "Fucking tease," he groans as he moves his hips up some, making his cock go farther in my mouth.

I just moan around him and keep my mouth moving slowly. I know even though he calls me a tease he likes it. Closing my eyes, I soon start to move my mouth a bit faster enjoying the fact that every moan that is coming out of his mouth right now is because of me. That it's my hair his hand is now pulling.

As he pulls my hair more though, I notice that he soon starts to control my movements. Making me go faster and pushing his cock farther into my mouth than it has been before. It seems Zac is being demanding though he just isn't being vocal about it this time.

After awhile of him controlling my movements he stops and I can tell from the sounds he is making that he is gonna cum soon and he proves me right. His taste soon filling my mouth and going down my throat.

Pulling away when he is done, I start to stand up and hold my hand out to him, pulling him up as well.

"Hey Care?" he asks and I turn to face him, my eyebrows raising as he adjusts the towel back around him. "Was Austin right? Would you have chosen me?" he asks as his brown eyes show an emotion that I can't read from them.

Before I can answer though, a knock on the door interrupts us and then Isaac's voice comes through saying he needs to use the bathroom.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt: "But you aren't in love with me anymore are you?" he asks and I hear his voice break right before I see a few tears going down his cheek.

Looking at Zac once more, I open the door and let Isaac in as I leave the bathroom in a hurry. Never in my life have I ever been as relieved for someone interrupting a conversation in my life. A conversation that I hope ends.

Going to my room, I sit on the bed and look up as Zac comes in not long after me. I can tell from the look on his face though that this conversation isn't over and he wants a question to what he asked so I just sigh and run a hand through my hair. "Do you want the truth or a lie?" I offer, hoping maybe that he goes with the lie. At least then he'd know it was a lie and maybe wouldn't hurt me.

Zac sighs and raises an eyebrow, "I want the truth Carrick," he tells me as he uses my full name and not that damn Care nickname that once used to be what Austin and only Austin called me.

At his insistence that he wants the truth, I look away from him. "Austin wasn't right," I confess as I shake my head. "I....up until I knew what he had done, I would have chosen him," I tell Zac as I turn to face him and see a look of hurt go across his face. It's a look I hate and I hate it even more knowing it's there because of me.

"So what? You just picked me because Austin is an ass?" Zac asks as he drops the towel and goes to where his bag is beside my dresser. Bending down he gets some clothes out and dresses in a hurry.

I shake my head, "I never said that," I counter but I know it seems that way. To Zac it seems like I chose him because Austin is an ass and if I know Zac he has probably convinced himself this is true. "I came back here to you and blew you in the bathroom because I wanted too, because I do love you still."

Zac turns to me and laughs after he is finished getting dressed. "But you aren't in love with me anymore are you?" he asks and I hear his voice break right before I see a few tears going down his cheek.

Frowning at the sight in front of me, I stand from the bed and go over to him, "I never said I wasn't in love with you anymore," I tell him as I reach out and slowly wipe away a few of his tear. "I'm still very much in love with you, I just, I'm in love with Austin as well," I whisper being honest.

Zac moves away from my touch and bends down, grabbing his bag and I raise my eyebrow as he walks towards my bedroom door with the bag. "Where are you going?"

"Back to Tulsa," he tells me without even looking back. He just leaves my room and I let him. Standing there frozen in my bedroom, I soon hear the front door shut and I'm not sure how long I stand there when I hear a car pull up and then pull away again. I just know in my gut that it was Zac leaving in a taxi. He was gone again and it was because of me.

Finally getting the courage to move again, I leave my room and head outside to the front porch where I find Isaac. It's kind of funny the brother who bores me to death is the only person I'm left with now.

Isaac shoots me a look as he sits down on my porch swing, "Zac left," he tells me, "but I think you already knew that," he shrugs as he puts a mug he is holding to his lips. I'm fairly certain it is coffee. Those damn Hanson's have a coffee addiction worse than my weed addiction.

"I did know that," I nod as I sit down beside Isaac.

"What did you do Carrick?" Isaac asks as he looks me over, judging me silently I'm sure of.

I look down and chew on my lip, "Told Zac that I would have chose Austin over him, I mean up until today anyway," I frown knowing if Isaac was judging me before, he really is now. "Zac thought it meant I wasn't still in love with him but I am...." I trail off as I know I have screwed up major.

"But you love Austin too," Isaac says and I nod. I feel horrible that it seems like even Isaac knows the dilemma I am in right now. "When did things change Carrick?" he asks me and I am confused at his words.

I look back at him, "What do you mean?" I ask as I raise an eyebrow.

Isaac just laughs at my question, "When did you fall for Austin and when did you stop just being in love with Zac and fall for both of them?'

At his question, I sigh and just think it over, not really sure when it changed. "I...I think it changed when I ended things with Zac and then when we went to Tulsa and I found out how Austin felt. It was like something in me changed. Something in me was awoken towards him."

"Will you regret it then if nothing ever happens between you and Austin? Will you be okay letting Austin go now, I mean even knowing he is a dick you still seem to love him because you haven't once said you loved him."

After Isaac talks again, I go silent. He is right. I do still love Austin, even after knowing he can be a prick. And his question's are something that make me think. Will I regret not being with Austin? Will I feel like I let something slip through my hands. I laugh some as I look at Isaac, "But Zac," I say knowing that if I chose Austin that Zac will be hurt, hell he is already hurt and on his way back home.

Isaac just laughs some too, "Zac is a grown man, not a little boy. He will live with whatever you chose, even if at times he acts like he won't be able to live with it," he tells me as he takes another drink from the mug in his hand.

I know Isaac is right. Zac may act childish at times but his strength is astounding. A strength that sometimes I wish I possessed as well, because then I could say without a doubt just which one of them I could live without but right now, I just don't see myself surviving without Austin or Zac.

"I can't see myself without either of them," I tell Isaac, feeling just a bith pathetic and selfish. I'm selfish to want both f them and I know I can't have both of them. Austin is jealous of Zac and Zac god does he ever get jealous of anyone I am with.

"Then you need to do some more thinking," Isaac shrugs as he stands from the swing. "I think I'll leave you with your thoughts. I need to go call Nikki anyway and see if we can work things out," he smiles sadly before walking inside my house.

Watching him leave, I look out over my porch. I'm still stuck on who to chose. I love them both and they both bring out really good things in me, even if Austin is an ass he still brings out a good part of me and Zac god, he has always brought out the best in me. But maybe, maybe it is time I gave someone else a chance.

Shaking my head at that thought, I then remember what Zac has given up for me. He left Kate and stopped whatever he had with Taylor. Austin didn't even have the decency to tell me he was screwing around with Isaac while he was trying to get in my pants, though I don't fault him for it, it does make me more swayed to want Zac.

I finally stand from the porch swing and go back inside long enough to get my car keys. Once they are in hand, I go to my car and get in, deciding to just let my heart lead me to where I want to be. My heart is the only thing that is going to be able to chose.

Arriving at the destination my heart had chosen, I park my car and get out, walking and hoping it's not too late. Getting closer to the door, I smile when I see him outside and the closer I get he looks up, his eyes showing confusion.

"What are you doing here?" he asks as I slowly sit down beside him.

I shrug, "I'm here because I'm just a boy without you Zac," I laugh as I nudge him playfully. "What are you doing outside sitting on the sidewalk? Shouldn't you be inside waiting for your flight?"

Zac laughs some at my first words and he bits his lip at my questions, "I should," he tells me as he runs a hand through his hair. "But I...I'm not ready to leave you. Not when I still love you."

I smirk hearing him say he still loves me. "I love you too Zac. I love you too much just to let you get on that plane and leave me. I..I know I'm fucked up and I know I love Austin too, but what we have, it's something I can't lose," I tell him as I lean over and peck his lips softly. It's true. I can't lose what I have with Zac. Being without him the last time nearly killed me and it is what got me in this mess I have with Austin.

When Zac pecks my lips back I just smirk more and stand up, holding my hand out to him, which he takes, "Let's go home," I tell him as I lead him back to my car.

"Home?" Zac asks. "I like the sound of that."

I nod, liking the sound of that as well, because it's true. My home is now Zac's home, even if there is still tons of things to work out, like just where Austin fits in my life now and also figuring out how Zac is going to do the whole daddy thing to his children with Kate, but I am sure we will figure those out together. We have always been better at figuring life out together.

Getting to my car, I watch as Zac opens the back door and put his bag in the back, before getting in the passenger side. I get in not long after he does and start the car up, turning the radio on.

"Hey Care?" Zac asks as he looks over at me and I raise my eyebrow. "Do you mind if I put a cd in?" he asks another question and I watch as he reaches towards the back, opening his bag quickly and getting a CD case out.

I just shake my head, "Do whatever you want babe," I tell him giving him permission to put a cd in. As I put my eyes back on the road, I soon hear a familiar song coming out of my speakers. "why the hell did you chose to play this song?" I ask him curiously.

"Because you said you were just a boy without me," Zac tells me and I'm sure he has a damn smirk on his face. "I'm just a boy without you too Care," he informs me before he starts singing a song I know well. It's not long though, until I am singing along with him. Right now, in this moment, I'm sure everything is back to how it should be, at least between Zac and I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors Note: So this story is a sequel to my one-shot Mixtape and Mixtape really wasn't supposed to have a sequel but then I saw the opening few lines How is he doing as a prompt on a dreamwidth community and the story formed itself.
> 
> I truly went in with this with no ideas where it was going to go but I think in the end it came about pretty nicely. At least in my opinion.


	16. Soundtrack

1.Heavy In Your Arms-Florence + The Machine

2.Over and Over-Nelly and Tim McGraw

3.Sugar, We're Goin Down-Fall Out Boy

4.A Drop In The Ocean-Ron Pope

5.Kicking My Heels-Tyler Hilton

6.In My Veins-Andrew Belle

7.My World-SR-71

8.Disappear-Hoobastank

9.Angel-Matt Nathanson

10.Too Close-Alex Clare

11.Everybody Knows-Ryan Adams

12.Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon

13.The Last Time-Taylor Swift

14.Go Your Own Way- Fleetwood Mac

15.Never Let Me Go-Florence+The Machine

16.When I Come Around-Green Day

17.In The Still of The Night-The Five Satins

18.So Cold-Ben Cocks and Nikisha Reyes

19.The Longest Hour of My Life-Everybody Else


End file.
